Words that Hurt, Words that Heal

I just finished reading, Words That Hurt, Words That Heal, by Joseph Telushkin.

I began reading the book after my mother passed away because I realized that on her side of the family a lot of division has occurred because of hurtful words and words left unsaid. And, for years, I felt unwanted and unloved by her side of the family...as though I didn't fit in and wasn't truly a part of the family...and now that she's gone, I feel like the connection I had to her side of the family is gone, as well.

While I realize the only person I can change is me...the way I think about others, the way I react to their words or lack of words, and how I choose my words when I speak to them...I am hoping that as I begin to process things differently, my actions and words will also change our relationships-for the better.

There's a lot of good advice given in Words That Hurt, Words That Heal. And the advice is always preluded or followed by stories that really bring his point home.

Mr. Teluskin believes that we were conditioned as children, to speak a certain way to and about others, but if that conditioning is negatively done, it can cause a lot of hardships in relationships. But don't fret, it can be unlearned.

The first thing he suggests is that we monitor our self-talk, without trying to be a better person, and really take a hard look at what we do or don't say to others.

He says to note every time we:

• Say something negative about a person that is not in our presence.
• Grossly exaggerate the wrong(s) done to us by another person.
• Criticize others with harsh and offensive words.
• Argue using the words, "you always" or "you never."
• Belittle or humiliate someone else.

He says the above is not ethical speaking. That ethical speech is "speaking fairly of others, honestly about ourselves, and carefully to everyone."

He says the best way to speak words that heal are to:

• Avoid defamatory or negative talk about others.
• Avoid listening to hearsay and rumors.
• Avoid talking about other people; even kind talk can sometimes be twisted and turn into negative talk.
• Avoid telling negative truths. In other words avoid sharing information that will raise your status in the eyes of the person you are speaking with by lowering the status of the person you are speaking of.
• Apologize. Don't be afraid to say you're sorry for the cruel words you've said in the past.
• Be real. Don't say kind words and act like a friend in the presence of others and then talk harshly and cruel about them in their absence.
• Cool down. While you may want to hash out your feelings right away, it's best to confront the person who hurt you after you've had time to process your anger, calm down, and see the situation in a new light. Otherwise, you may say things you'll later regret and never be able to take back.
• Find a trusted confidante. When you cannot let an issue go, and speaking to the person who has offended you doesn't work, turning to a confidante is okay. A confidante can be your spouse or a close friend who won't go around telling others what you've said in confidence. He or she understands that you are simply venting and asking for outside help to deal with your feelings and possibly find a solution to the problem.
• Avoid nursing injuries in silence. When we keep silent, we tend to take out our hurts on unsuspecting and innocent people.
• Stop comparing. Comparisons hurt. They imply a preference for another person which in turn causes others to compete and in the end, causes division by pulling people apart, not bringing them closer together.

He says, "Because we want others to share in our anger, we often fail to describe very precisely the offense committed against us. We exaggerate. Our exaggerations, of which we ourselves might NOT be fully aware, are aimed at provoking others to validate and share our rage"...and hurt.

He goes on to say "quarrels rip families apart and destroy relationships when arguments are taken out of context, and old hurts are brought back into the arguments."

And he provides us with a Fight Fair formula that basically looks like this:

1. Confront the person who hurt you after you've had time to process your anger, calm down, and see the situation in a new light.
2. And when you do confront the person:
a. State your case
b. Express your opinion on the situation
c. Explain your position
d. Make your feelings clear
e. Don't dredge up past information
f. Listen to the other side
g. Don't get defensive
h. Don't use damaging personal information to win your case

In the end, he says, "What others need from us, on an ongoing basis, is to know that they are loved and cared for, that their good deeds inspire gratitude, and that others love them."

He gives many good examples to help us understand what hurtful words do to children and how children grow up feeling a certain way because of them. In fact, the words used to speak to a child, or around a child, can often impact the types of relationships he or she has throughout his or her life.

If words have caused emotional damage in your life, I highly suggest you pick up a copy of Words That Hurt, Words That Heal today.

by: Alyice Edrich

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Alyice_Edrich

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My favorite line in this article is when Alyice wrote:

"What others need from us, on an ongoing basis, is to know that they are loved and cared for, that their good deeds inspire gratitude, and that others love them."

It reinforces the need of each person to be validated for who they are. And if we are to be truly happy, we should be generous in fulfilling this need because by doing so we are fulfilling our own needs.

Self-Validation - Living an Empowered Life

Sometimes we are concerned with being right and we don't stop to think that our comments or our actions might hurt another person's feelings.

We don't always get enough validation in this world, or perhaps we did not receive enough validation from our parents and our teachers and the people who were around us when we were growing up, so we try to be right and find validation now in this world, sometimes at the expense of other people.

It is okay to have a different opinion from another person. But it is not our job or responsibility to try to convince everybody else that they are either wrong or that they have an inaccurate perception of a certain subject. We have enough to do just trying to keep ourselves on the straight and narrow.

If you're going to say anything that's critical, try to find the sweetest way, the least insulting way to present your point of view. In doing so, you are more likely to get a favorable response from the other party. Nobody is going to pay attention to you, or validate what you are saying if they feel attacked. And validation is what you are looking for after all, isn't it?

Sometimes in our youth we think that we know everything. Sometimes we find out later that we did not know everything after all. Ouch.

As we mature we may begin to realize that we don't require validation from anyone else. That is just living in victim mode. We are powerless and everyone else but us has power over us. WRONG!

When we accept responsibility for our lives and our choices, and we give ourselves permission to become self-validating, we no longer seek nor need validation from anyone else.

However, we need to be very clear with ourselves about how high we set the bar as far as ethics go. Don't cheat yourself by placing that bar too low, or you never really will achieve the self-esteem and the self-validation that you seek because it will be based on standards that are inadequate.

When we show humility and humbleness, we become empowered. It's through being non-offensive, tolerant, and truly caring of others that we can gain the most respect from the people around us. There's an old saying that you attract more flies with honey than with vinegar. It's also true that you attract more friends and respect with sweetness than with bitterness.

It's interesting to note that the kinder we are to others, the better we feel about ourselves. And you will find that people will tell you how much they appreciate your kindness and your thoughtfulness. It will make you unique in this world. This world is a harsh place sometimes. When you can be a safe space of healing, of love, of non-judgment, you will discover your greatest power. Your energy will shift into a magnetic state. You will find that good luck and love will flow to you while you are in that state.

By practicing The Golden Rule, as the old saying goes, doing unto others as you would have them do unto you, you'll find that your life begins to work, and the things that you desire to have in your life will begin to appear.

It's by living by The Golden Rule that all things become possible. It's by working through the heart rather than the head that true power is found. You need to be thinking correctly, that is true. But you need to be kind and considerate and loving, to yourself and to others, in order to become empowered in this world. It is from that state that others will find you attractive and will be drawn to you in both business and personal situations. You cannot give out love and kindness to the world without receiving the same back yourself. What you give is what you receive.

Having earned the right to self-validate, be generous and spread around lots of validation to others in your life. Living an empowered and self-validating existence has caused you to become a role-model and someone that others can look up to. Teach and show them the way so that they, too, can always have the validation that we all seek.

by Sherry Sims
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Sherry_Sims

Got my early BONUS this year!

My mentor in Internet Marketing, Jomar Hilario, is always full of surprises. He conducts workshops and gives away tons of bonuses to the participants. As one of his students, I get the privilege to receive unannounced bonuses every now and then. This one came early this year. And very timely I would say because it's a geat way to start the year right --- giving us the right perspective about life and a simple blueprint on how we should be treating ourselves and other people.

After attending his Advanced Internet Marketing Seminar about a week ago, he sent us a copy of his lecture via email. On the last few pages of his slide presentation, he had a "Bonus Slide" where he recommended this 16-minute video entitled "Validation" and requested us to email him once we've finished watching it. I don't know why he wanted us to email him --- maybe he wants to be sure that we read his presentation all through the last page. Or maybe he wants to know if his students can follow simple instructions. Whatever. I decided to do more than just email him. His early Bonus inspired me a lot that I decided to create a blog about it. What better way to thank a mentor than to show him his ability to inspire his students to put into action what he has so patiently taught (thanks Jomar! you've just been validated!).

This will be the first in a series of self-help and personal growth articles that will be posted on this site. Together we will master the art of giving validation. It is unfortunate that we don't get enough of it in this world. Maybe we grew up in an environment where very few people appreciated us that's why we also got so stingy in giving validation to other people. Be kind to yourself. Watch this video. It's worth passing on to every person you know. I'd bet there will be a smile on your face after watching it!